Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
