I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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