the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
BRING THE BAGELS
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
