Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
