and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
