she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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