My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
