My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
