So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
