So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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