i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
as a side note pls kill me
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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