She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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