I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
