I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
