What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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