You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
