i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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