Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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