Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
