Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
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