Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
