Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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