Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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