i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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