He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
