R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
