Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
