That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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