And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
