we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
