I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
