farters have to be the big spoon...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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