my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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