I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
