Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is her dick bigger than yours?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
