What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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