grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
