She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
