last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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