Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
