Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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