new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
