I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
