I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
