You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
either way he was missing a nipple.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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