Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
