While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
