and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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