I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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