i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
