So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
