He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
