Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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