Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
