dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
