When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
