I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
