"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
