remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
