she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
