Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I would fuck him just for his dog
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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