i just sent this text using only my big toe
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
