I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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